Lost in the jungle

I was awakened in Peru after doing a ayahuasca 7 day retreat in the jungle. It was a quite intense experience but it showed me so much that I needed to see. Heres a little information about me…I was abandoned by my father as a child…kept a secret for most of his life until his passing. He did acknowledge me somewhat and I would visit him as a teenager almost every summer, but It wasn’t until I was older that I started to feel the pain and the hurt from being his little secret. I wondered why I knew nothing about him or his family. I felt worthless in knowing that I did not deserve that. It really messed me up mentally and emotionally. I had a lot of pain and resentment towards him. In late 2009 he became really sick due to parkinsons disease. It wasn’t until this time that he really began to reach out to me. I guess the guilt was there and I think he knew he should get to try to get to know his daughter a little bit more before he was gone. It was a tough time for me… as much as I always wanted to be my Daddys little girl, I couldn’t open up to him about my feelings or my life. As much as I saw him struggling with his disease and knowing he could be gone any day, the pain and sadness lingered in my heart. He passed on March 1, 2010 and after finding out about it I wished I had more time. I went to Peru in June 2016 to tackle my issues of abandonment by doing ayahuasca. I had researched much about this magical brew that seemed to help people with issues and even addictions. I wanted to finally let go and forgive and move on. My heart had been heavy all these years and I knew it had to do with him. I was cold and sometimes even called emotionless. But I did in fact have emotions I just kept them all bottled in. Not even many of my friends know this about me and it feels good to actually let it all out. After doing ayahuasca my heart feels open again, the heaviness is gone and I can actually talk about it without crying or feeling sad. I am also very thankful for what my dad did do for me and I don’t hold that grudge anymore. 

I got the Idea of “Beauty of Abandonment” during another one of my ayahuasca sessions. I was shown images in my head of photos I had already taken. Since 2015 I have had a huge fascination with exploring abandoned spots. I have been into a few mental hospitals, an automotive plant, and more and taken some beautiful photos. I didn’t really share my photos much because I never thought I was good enough. After returning from my ayahuasca trip I realized that this all related to the issues with my father and connected the dots to realize that there is beauty everywhere, even in the most destroyed places, and even in me. Hope you enjoy the images…